“Why do I need to be secure? It feels too hard to change.” A lot of people have said this to me. I write a lot about relationships, and yes, secure attachment can feel like it’s an unattainable goal.
But it’s how we should be operating.
We aren’t meant to live our lives in a fearful state or feel stuck in survival mode. Yet this is how many people with insecure attachment are functioning in their day to day life.
I know, because this was me.
I used to be terrified of being close to people because I didn’t feel…
I honestly had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like for years until I met my partner 3 months into working on my attachment issues.
I used to think it meant clinging onto each other like baby koalas. Or playing games and not committing straight away. You know, the old “I’m not going to text first!” game.
You don’t want to ooze desperation, even though you are. But it’s mostly out of fear. Secure relationships are the opposite — they don’t leave you on edge, wondering if the other person loves you.
Here are 3 traits of a secure…
Emotional whiplash is how I define anxious-avoidant attachment in relationships. As someone who struggled with this for years, I know it all too well. One minute you’re desperate for love, but when you get it, you run the other way.
Relationships feel like a threat; it sends us into panic mode.
This internal anxiety can make you feel like you’ll never find someone special, let alone hold down a relationship in the long-term. For those of us with anxious-avoidant attachment, relationships can be short-lived.
As with all attachment styles, they start with our earliest relationship — the one with our…
What does having a secure relationship mean to you? For years I thought a healthy relationship involved keeping things ‘exciting’ by having conflict and then making up again.
If you didn’t grow up knowing what a healthy relationship looks like, you might feel the same as I did. You might be afraid to let people in, or afraid to lose people, so you hold on tightly.
Maybe you can relate to this.
Here are 3 questions to ask yourself if you want a secure relationship, and to help you look inward. These questions are from Dr. …
“Avoidant people are cold and heartless, stay away from them!”
I’ve received comments like this whenever I write about avoidant attachment. People often feel that they can’t close enough to their avoidant partners.
Trying to get them to open up can feel like trying to pull a limpet off a rock. It leaves people confused, makes them chase and cling on for dear life.
What usually happens is that the avoidant person runs the opposite way and disappears without a trace. Or they shut down and avoid talking about it.
So yeah, I can see how people think avoidant attachment…
“Thank u for writing this”
“Love this article”
“Gr8 points. I wrote something similar…” *posts link to article*
When people drop these responses on my post, I instantly recognise them for what they are…
And they usually come from people who don’t even read your article. They’re just trying to get more people to read their work.
I remember seeing people encouraging new writers to engage with other writer’s work to get their name out there.
And yes, it does help… When you actually read the other person’s article AND (should you choose to comment) write more than…
Feeling secure in relationships often seems like a faraway dream for many folks who are struggling with insecure attachment. We might not know where to start and find security in holding onto the past.
I used to revolve my life and identity around my struggles and trauma. My mental health was a mess and I felt like I sabotaged every relationship I had.
It’s possible to leave behind the rollercoaster relationships and go on to have a loving, healthy relationship with yourself and others.
Here are 3 things that helped me learn to be more securely attached.
This doesn’t mean…
As kids, the way we formed an attachment to our parents can affect the way we navigate relationships as adults. If your parents were slow or inconsistent with tending to your needs, you might have become anxiously attached.
In our romantic relationships, we may subconsciously repeat similar behaviours that we experienced in childhood.
Dr Sarah Rodman explains,
“People are drawn to whatever they are familiar with, and they end up replicating the same patterns they experienced in their earliest relationships.”
Here are 5 signs your partner has an anxious attachment style.
For someone struggling with anxious attachment, they often have…
If you’re like I used to be, romantic relationships might be a struggle for you. Intimate relationships might feel too overwhelming, so you avoid them altogether.
Maybe you chase after unavailable people in the hope that you’ll save them or fix them. You struggle to let go of people and feel devastated when the relationship ends (even if it only lasted three weeks.)
Two words: insecure attachment.
Often these relationship issues stem from the relationship we had with our parents. They might’ve held their unhealed wounds from childhood and passed them down to us (usually unintentionally.)
This doesn’t mean that…
Relationships aren’t meant to give you emotional whiplash. One minute the relationship is filled with affection and love, the next you’re left wondering why they’re ignoring you (or vice versa!)
Being with someone shouldn’t feel like you’re on a rollercoaster. But we think it is if that’s what we’re used to. Stability and predictability can feel boring when you have insecure attachment.
In the words of Dr Diane Poole Heller,
“Even if we didn’t grow up with secure attachment, we can learn it later.”
Here’s a quick post with 2 things, from Dr Heller, you can start working on to…