“HA!” she laughed in my face.
I watched as spittle flew from her wrinkled lips and plopped onto my essay paper.
She was my English teacher. I was 17.
Her cheap wrist bangles jingled as she wiped her tiny mouth.
“You seriously don’t get it, do you?” she scoffed.
My cheeks turned bright red. I knew I was about to become staff room gossip.
“Oh, um…” I said, nervously tapping my pen on my hand.
“No, I think I get it now,” I told her through a forced a smile.
I had no idea how to write a f***ing essay. I had no idea how to write properly, period. And I didn’t try again until I was in my mid-late 20s. …
Secure attachment can feel like the highest bar in a high-jump competition. It can feel like we’ll always struggle to find our dream partner or even stay in a relationship (without feeling anxious or avoidant.)
I felt the same too.
I thought a normal relationship was meant to keep me guessing and on my toes. I constantly felt on edge and afraid of connecting with others. Until I began learning how to feel secure in my late 20s.
As Dr Diane Poole Heller wrote,
“Even if we didn’t grow up with secure attachment, we can learn it later.”
Here are 4 ways to boost your secure attachment skills in your relationships. …
“Why do I need to be secure? It feels too hard to change.” A lot of people have said this to me. I write a lot about relationships, and yes, secure attachment can feel like it’s an unattainable goal.
But it’s how we should be operating.
We aren’t meant to live our lives in a fearful state or feel stuck in survival mode. Yet this is how many people with insecure attachment are functioning in their day to day life.
I know, because this was me.
I used to be terrified of being close to people because I didn’t feel like relationships were safe. …
“Nah, I don’t want that iPad,” I told my girlfriend as we walked through the Apple store.
As tempting as the new iPad Air was, the price tag threw me off a little.
Especially when you start throwing accessories in, like the Apple pencil 2, a screen protector and keyboard, it totals to about $1,400. You can buy a new Macbook Air with that amount.
So I got the 32GB iPad 8. It was more affordable at $499 ($329USD). I just wanted to do some light drawing on Procreate and use Canva.
I’ve had this bad boy for a month now, and here’s my verdict. …
By reflecting on our earliest attachment (the one with our parents) and how it was established and brought into our adult relationships subconsciously — we can start learning secure attachment skills.
Secure attachment helps us connect with others, and ourselves, in a richer, deeper way. Insecure attachment can make relationships with others feel unsafe or scary.
Because our attachment wounds slip into our subconscious mind, some of us spend years weaving in and out of the same unhealthy relationships.
If you’re like I used to be, maybe you gravitate towards emotionally unavailable partners. …
“I’ve always known I wanted to be a writer.”
A common story.
Some people just flew out of their mother’s womb and knew it from day one.
Honestly? Can’t relate.
I was 17 at the time. I almost failed the class, and I felt too stupid to write again.
Maybe you’ve driven a similar racecar. Felt like you weren’t smart enough. Not ‘academic’ enough.
When bad experiences plant a seed of doubt into your mind, it’s hard to believe you can ever become a good writer.
But you can.
As kids, we soak up the world around us, and we look at our parents or caregivers to guide us.
In the first 12–24 months, a lot of what we see and experience slips right into our subconscious memory.
If you're parents/caregivers were:
Then your brain can focus on connecting with others, rather than being on high-alert for perceived threats.
Ugh. So embarrassing.
“1 huge lesson my Jack Russell, Andy, taught me as a kid. 🐶”
This may or may not have been one of my first posts on Medium (and has since been deleted out of shame.)
You see, when we first board Medium’s ship, a lot of us start by writing about ourselves. We’re all guilty of it. But it’s totes fine, it’s therapeutic and stuff.
But if your blog posts are always about you (and what you ate for brunch), readers will probably hit [X] and bail. Unless you’re a celebrity.
Humans love hearing about themselves and reading about things that’ll give them value. (Sadly, my dog story didn’t give people value.) …
“Predictable? That sounds SO boring!” said my client.
We were talking about healthy relationships and filling in colouring-in pages. I was a mental health worker at the time.
“Why does it sound boring?” I asked her, picking up a purple pencil.
“Relationships are meant to be fun and exciting,” she said, colouring in her mandala with a yellow pencil, “not predictable and boring.”
When we have an insecure attachment style, we might believe relationships are meant to feel uncertain or filled with drama.
After 6 years of weaving in and out of rollercoaster relationships, I met my current partner. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now, and she modelled to me what a healthy relationship is meant to be like. …
Imagine if Twitter and Medium had a baby.
Shortform articles would be it.
These tiny articles are 150 words or less, and you get earnings from them. Like a paid tweet, except it has nothing to do with Twitter.
Shortform is a bit like trying to squish neon green putty into a jar. It’s a tight squeeze, but it’s fun AF.
Here are the good bits: